I don't know why but I feel as though I am a person drifting in two opposite directions. This idea, at least for me, comes from the book "To Own A Dragon: Reflections on Growing Up Without A Father" by Donald Miller. What I mean when I say I am flowing in two directions at once is that I feel as though there are two of me. There is the side that went to church tonight, set up a meeting to have coffee with one of the leaders, worshipped for the first time in months, and truly wants to see God regain control of my life. Then there is the me that does things I know go completely against what God would have for me, the attitudes and manipulations I use to get my way. I have truly been feeling lost in the last few months. I have no goal. I have no direction, nothing to strive for. I feel as though I am just here with no purpose. There is always the purpose to do God's will and win souls to the kingdom and all of those other things that we Christians are supposed to want to be doing. However, when you are only starting to regain an idea of who God is in your life it is difficult to try and focus on all the big picture things. When you can't get the small things right, like treating people with love and kindness, and you are constantly being bombarded with the idea that you have somehow caused the people you call friends to not want to be around you, it is difficult to want to answer someone’s questions on who God is. There is this nervousness inside of me. This sort of jealousy mixed with resentment towards my friends right now. I am going to be 21 in 7 days and the only person who cares is me. I don't know how I ended up here. I am an adult by age standards and yet I have nothing to show for it. I am still immature when it comes to relationships because I have never had someone give me the chance. I don't mean that no one has ever been my friend or sacrificed something for me because that is not true. What I mean is I feel as though when the going gets tough, my friends get going. I always end up alone. I always end up wondering what I could have done to make people appreciate me or want me around. I think this idea goes back to the two currents thing again. There is a part of me that knows it is God who is trying to get my attention, trying to show me how to focus on Him and make Him my best friend because He will never leave. Then there is the part that says don't be stupid. Yes God can be your friend but if you lived on an island in the middle of no where and never had anyone love you, or care how your day was, or call you just to see if you are ok, or want to be around you just because they like you, or plan special times where you can just be alone and get to know one another even better than you already do -- you would go crazy. God is amazing and all but if we did not need anything but Him why didn't He stop with Adam. In retrospective thought I can see exactly what is going on, what's been going on for years. I compartmentalize my life. There is the Christian good Scott. And the Manipulative Bad Scott. The problems arise when the Holy Spirit that is in my heart starts attacking the bad ways of my other self. Because God does not want me to be manipulative and jealous he brings those traits to the surface and shoves them in the forefront of my mind until I notice them and either throw God out for a time or throw them out forever. I allowed this. I gave the enemy a chance to get a foothold when I started caring what other people thought again. Right before I met JJAMS I was having an awesome time with God. My life was far from perfect but my relationship with God was better than it had ever been. I simply stopped caring if people liked me or not because I only cared if I was making God happy. Then I met the guys and things started to go downhill because I wanted to please them. I wanted these guys to think I was cool and to accept me. I moved in with Josh thinking it would be awesome. It turned out to be horrible because we were both so screwed up in the head you could not tell who had more shit spilling out their mouth. Then the summer rolled around and it was a guy a worked with. He was rich and "cool" and hung out with good-looking people that could be in magazines and I did everything possible to make him believe I deserved to be around. It was not until I got a swift kick in the ass by God that I realized how stupid I was being. This is when it escaladed to the present. When I started hanging out with my fellow Starbucks employee I abandoned all the people that I was trying to impress before him. Well when I tried to return I realized, as did some of them that I was not needed. They had plenty of fun without me. So I abandoned them and went back to the people I hung out with before them, the girls. They chastised me for being overbearing and told me to cool it. Christmas came and went and here I sit alone. No one calls. No one cares. It is all up to me. It is all my fault. These two competing currents have to courses one leads to God ad repenting and the pain of learning eternal lessons. The painful process of giving up my desires and my will to submit even when I don't know or like the outcome. The second current leads to death. It may not be today, or tomorrow but it will happen. I will become so depressed that the suicidal thoughts that dwell in my mind from time to time will take control and I will eventually give in. The choice is mine. I can almost see God's hand outstretched toward me asking me to trust Him. And I can feel the flames of Hell ascending closer and closer to my soul like a lion taunting its prey right before it pounces. | 
